My Mario Fantasy

Remember back in the 80's when your mother would drag you over to her friend's house, the one with that jerk son whom you hated, but tolerated because he had a Nintendo and you didn't? Remember why you hated him? Not out of jealousy, but because he was better than you at Super Mario Brothers.
He would always let you go first, because he knew the chances were high that you would get killed by that first Koopa in a vain attempt at leaping over him to get the mushroom. And then, of course his turn took hours, as he deftly maneuvered Luigi through world after world, avoiding spinning fire sticks, destroying every brick on the level, all the while narrowly escaping the impending and justified death that would end his maniacal reign and allow you to try to kill that first Koopa once more.
It didn't matter that the chances were slim that you would, or succeeding, that you would ever make it to the half way mark before falling down a hole any two year old would know how to vault over, or running straight into a Goomba because "the jump button didn't work!"

Remember that?

Well, good news. I have here a way to avoid those pesky therapy bills, and still exercise the demons of failure. To get the full effect, go back. Go back to that time. Imagine yourself in that little jerk's bedroom, ready for another humiliation session. You have your Tab ready to go, you're wearing your Voltron t-shirt and your He-Man Underoos. The Jerk is blowing out the cartridge, anticipating another gleeful game. He starts it up, and hands you your controller.
"You go first," he says, knowing his turn will be up soon enough.

But not this time.

You see, this time is different. The Nintendo gods have seen your plight, your suffering at the hands of this unmerciful jerk, and they have seen fit to bestow upon you Mario skills beyond compare. And so, with that setting in mind, imagine that the game has just started and it's your turn, and watch this video...